There’s nothing quite like rich celebrity spawn and Disney starlets catching a private plane into the desert and arriving out the other side a spirited desert nimph; a flower-child sprouting peace love and wearing Balmain pumps.
Coachella: where celebrities go to “dress like arseholes“.
Having turned the music festival into their own catwalk, and a paid weekend away – Hudgens $15K for McDonalds; Lea Michele apparently $20K from Lacoste; Kate Bosworth was being shopped out at $30K – they’ve left it open for us to run an Oscars-red-carpet style review.
So here it is, A Crowded Hour’s first Coachella Desert Carpet Review.
In a snapshot, they were all bad, the young as much as the old, or Vanessa Hudgens as reliably as Kate Bosworth. The Models were out in force and Instagram a’filter with their midriffs and pert rear ends. The year was very much marked by sheer and short, short shorts, the midriff, and by the arrival of the Jenner Jirls. And what better place to start.
Most Pretentious Outfits: Kylie and Kendall Jenner, day two ; runner-up fashion blogger and Bruce-Demi progeny, Tallulah Willis; special mention: Selena Gomez
* They wore it all: crochet, flower bands, bindis and boots. The midriff was teamed with bum, the colour code was black; necks were decked out with animal teeth and silver leaf. They also teamed it with that ever-so-festival full face of makeup. They returned home planning next year’s punk-squaw look.
* Willis actually looked good at the launch of her Fashion Blog, Clothing Coven. And I thought, well, the stylist has done her job. And then she went to a music festival in the desert and dressed like a “celebrity arsehole”. On the plus side, Rumer appears to have worked out her angles.
* Justin Bieber’s girlfriend borrowed Vanessa Hudgens’ outfit from three years ago. Never a good sign.
Most Improved: Vanessa Hudgens
* I typed this, and then I took another look. And found the below two shots. Mermaid-blonde hair. Bikini and playsuit. Love-heart shades. Over-brimmed hats. And the props: medallion belt and earrings, fan, wrist materials, ankle chains and bare feet. A very consistent performer who this year was almost over-shadowed by the arrival of our future – Ireland Baldwin, the Jenner Jirls, Tallulah Willis. I shudder.
Best Outfit: Zoe Kravitz, day two; runner-up: Emma Roberts
* Lenny’s daughter was spotted walking through the crowd. It was effortless. Simple. Without theme or intense layering. It was not designed to be a double-act with a sister – although it is actually a pleasing-to-the-eye tonal match with her boyfriend – but I don’t question that this was a coincidence. I expect she actually enjoyed the music.
* The same goes for glorious little Emma Stone. A single, shorts and Cons. And a bag for her smokes. What normal people wear to festivals.
Worst Hair: Katy Perry
* You know how when you are 22 and you dye the ends of your hair pink and you think it’s awesome, then you wash it once, and the colour fades, and you realise it was a stupid idea and you never do it again? Well, Perry isn’t quite there yet. But she needs to be.
Most Annoying Accessory: Kendall Jenner’s nose ring; special mention: the bindi
* I thought the bindi – does anyone else find this treading a fine line of cultural insensitivity? – had it, and then Jenner donned an over-the-top accessory which wasn’t her sister’s arse. It was a nose ring and it looked incredibly stupid. See for yourself.
Worst dance: Leonardo DiCaprio
* Should I say best? Celebrities dancing, they’re not as good as you and me. When I watch this clip, I understand why a 21-year-old model might make for an appropriate level of dinner table conversation.
* The I Have Tattoos, But I Still Look Like A Girl award AND Worst Pants: Justin Bieber
* I am not wasting my time with comments. See for yourself.
Best Pants: Jared Leto in zebra print
* Everything looks good teamed with his hair.
The Extensions That Need To Go: Lindsay Lohan
* Everyone else has ditched full extensions for hair pieces (except maybe Paris) and it’s past time Lohan did. She’s half-hearted about a comeback and I honestly think movie execs would take her more seriously if she didn’t have rope stuck to her head.
Most Annoying Model On Instagram: Alessandra Ambrosio
* If you are reading this: I see cellulite. (She’s the tall skinny one – oh wait…)
The Mutton Dressed Up As Lamb Award: Kate Bosworth
* Did she get dressed with the Jenner girls? Is she 22? The answer to both of these is no. And that’s what makes it sad.
And there you have it. Until next year.
(Images sourced from dailymail.co.uk; thesuperficial.com)