The Oscars come but once a year

What a day of fashion. The Oscars aim to please and while every year there’s the divine and the horrific, there’s also Nicole Kidman’s freeze and the wardrobe malfunction.

Last year we had Angelina Jolie’s leg and this year Anne Hathaway’s nipples.

Where to start? How to handle this?

In the interests of getting as much down as possible, I’m going to take outfits a few at a time, in posts to follow.

But now, just quickly, a brief summation: the modern take on the Oscar gown won the day while the mermaid, fish-end skirt and full Princess cut remains horrific and offensive and must never be worn again – there’s a reason Jennifer Lawrence fell up the stairs. And it was in every way to do with her dress.

Beards, they were well-suited to the red carpet and Jennifer Aniston was not; why does Nicole Kidman cop all the face flak and Hugh Jackman’s wife none of it? Stacy Kiebler has out-performed The Girlfriends before her, Sandra Bullock is ever reliable and much better without the trashbag ex-husband by her side; and Salma Hayek is a fabulous pocket rocket who gets the job done. Belts? No, absolutely not; never, ever wear a gown with belt attached. And Brandi Glanville? Get off my computer.

Let’s start with the nipples. With Anne Hathaway, her eager grin and her nipples. One on either side. As eager to be noticed and as prim and proper as she. Anne Hathaway’s nipples. The dress, yes it was rather nice, aside from the back being rather dull, despite a feeble attempt at fun. The colour, it suited her in its neat, risk adverse, but interesting fashion; the hair is growing out well and I did, for once, think I actually don’t mind this at all. But her. She’s just so eager to please. To be liked. And her perky pointy nipples shining out at us – Christ. There’s also something bland in her thinness. She’s really not that likeable. Is it the same thing with Nicole Kidman. I’m getting the same feeling looking at them both. I think we like a crease, a hint of personality, of being okay with oneself. I don’t get that from either of them.

Anne Hathaway's nipples

nicole kidman

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